


i hate watching you do this to yourself

by gentlelogic



Series: Sanders Sides Micro Fic Collection (Take Two) [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 20:11:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlelogic/pseuds/gentlelogic
Summary: “I can do better. I can change, I promise,” Patton said desperately.Virgil smiled, something gentle and sad. “I don’t want you to change. I want you to start being honest with yourself. It’s not healthy for you to dress yourself up to be the version of yourself you think I need you to be.” Virgil took ahold of Patton’s hands. They felt numb, even when Virgil squeezed them. “I want you to be happy.”“I’m happy with you,” Patton said, heart aching at how desperate and pathetic he sounded. No wonder Virgil was tired of him.“Are you?” Virgil asked. He didn’t sound angry- merely inquisitive. It hurt like a punch all the same.





	i hate watching you do this to yourself

The sky was beginning to darken and the clouds hung heavy and dark over the small tree Patton was sitting under. He felt tired, limbs heavy and sluggish as he hugged them closer to his body and looked back up at the sky. A gentle clap of thunder echoed through the air, then rain began to fall slowly onto the tree, dripping down into his hair. 

He didn’t move. Even when the rain fell harder and the thunder cracked louder, the clouds illuminated by the lightning flashing across the sky, he stayed on the ground, leaning up against the tree. His lungs felt shriveled and his chest tight-but he kept sitting there, feeling wobbly and sad and empty all at once. 

_“You need time for yourself, Pat, I can see it. I love you, I just… you need to figure out who **you** are. Because I don’t think you know who that is right now.”_

Patton squeezed his eyes shut. “Don’t cry,” he whispered to himself. “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.”

His words were to no avail, for tears began to slide down his cheeks. Patton let out a deep breath. Ran a hand over his cheeks, then set it back down beside himself. 

_“I just can’t take it anymore. It would be best for both of us if we took a break.”_

_“I can do better. I can change, I promise,” Patton said desperately._

_Virgil smiled, something gentle and sad. “I don’t want you to change. I want you to start being honest with yourself. It’s not healthy for you to dress yourself up to be the version of yourself you think I need you to be.” Virgil took ahold of Patton’s hands. They felt numb, even when Virgil squeezed them. “I want you to be happy.”_

_“I’m happy with you,” Patton said, heart aching at how desperate and pathetic he sounded. No wonder Virgil was tired of him.  
_

_“Are you?” Virgil asked. He didn’t sound angry- merely inquisitive. It hurt like a punch all the same. He dropped Patton’s hands. “I’m still your friend. You still can call me or text me or drop by the coffee shop whenever you need me. Logan’s still your friend too- he’s my brother, but he really likes you. Please don’t feel like this means you’re not allowed to talk to him anymore.”  
_

_“Virgil…” Patton trailed off. He didn’t know what else he could say. Please? Don’t leave? I can do better? I can be better? it was all empty, pathetic, and desperate and he knew it. “I’m sorry.”  
_

_“It’s not your fault,” Virgil said firmly. “It’s not, Patton. Right now just isn’t a good time for us.”_

_Patton nodded. “I… I love you.”_

_Virgil smiled that gentle and sad smile. “I love you too.”_

Patton startled out of the memory when he saw someone running toward him in the distance, their heavy unzipped windbreaker flapping in the wind and rain. Their bare feet splashed loudly in the wet grass and they slowed as they got closer.

As soon as he saw who it was, Patton wished he could vanish; it was Roman, his older brother, coming to retrieve him once again.

Roman halted in front of Patton. “Patton,” he began.

“Kiddo, please,” Patton said. He forced a smile. “Don’t start.”

Roman kicked him lightly. “I’m five years older than you, loser.”

Patton smiled, a little less forced this time. “You always say that, but I’m pretty sure you’re only four years and a half older than me.”

Roman shrugged. “You round up.” He knelt down, settling down beside Patton. His expression turned solemn. “I hate watching you do this to yourself.”

Patton frowned. “Do what?”

“Sit out here. Beating yourself up.” Roman eyed the rain. “And doing it in the rain too. This is bordering on self-destructive, Pat.”

“It’s not… it’s not _that_.”

“Then what is it?” Roman snapped. “Because this sure looks like self-destruction.” 

Patton swallowed, trying and failing to smile. “Don’t worry about me, Roman.”

Roman sighed. “I can’t help it because I care about you.” He was quiet for a minute, then carefully said, “I know Virgil breaking things off was hard for you.”

Patton shrugged. “He was nice about it.”

“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.”

“It would have been easier if he did unfairly,” Patton said quietly. “It hurts so much,” he choked up, pressing a hand to his wobbly mouth, “because he was right to do it. He was right.”

Roman’s hand settled on Patton’s shoulder. 

“He wasn’t mean or unfair,” Patton continued. “I’m being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Roman said. A flash of lightning crossed the sky. “We should probably finish this inside.”

“But the lightning’s so… _striking_.”

Roman rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Not your best.”

“Not my best,” Patton repeated with a giggle.

“Seriously though. We should go inside.”

Patton didn’t move. “I think I should… I think I might need to get help.”

Roman was quiet. “Help?” he asked, voice low and hushed. 

“Professional help,” Patton answered so quietly that he could barely hear himself over the rain. “I thought I was ready to date again after… _him_. And I love Virgil and I wanted things to work so badly. But I think… I think… you-know-who affected me more than I thought he did.” 

Roman didn’t say anything so Patton continued on, hands trembling. “When I was with him, he didn’t like me most days. So I had to pretend and be the person he wanted me to be. Virgil’s right. I was pretending with him and I was pretending with Virgil. I really forgot who I was and I haven’t figured it out since.” Tears ran down Patton’s cheeks. 

Roman squeezed his hand. “I know who you are, Patton. And it’s a wonderful, sweet, goofy, and fun little brother who has a heart of gold. But I know how toxic that relationship was…” Roman trailed off. “It’s okay if you need to find yourself again. And it’s okay if you need professional help. I love you no matter what.”

“Thank you, Roman. I love you too.” 

Roman stood up and smiled down at Patton, reaching a hand down. “Ready to go inside now? I’m freezing.”

Patton reached up and grasped his hand, hoisting himself up. “It’s not that cold, _kiddo_.”

“Call me kiddo again and I won’t make you any hot chocolate when we get inside.”

“Oh, come on, Roman! I’ll stop, I promise.”

“Thank you.” Roman smiled.

Patton grinned back, even wider. “Of course… kiddo.”


End file.
